“What do you do?” I Just Am.

We’re not big conference people around here. We have a difficult time justifying the need to attend any gathering described as a “networking event.” And as much as we love (and are pretty darn good at) doing what we do for a living, it’s the rare occasion that we define our roles in life by it. It’s not that we’re anti-social or snobby—at least we hope we’re not—it’s that we seek (and therefore find) learning opportunities all around us daily. We indulge in the opportunity to speak to strangers in any environment (without the scarlet letter of a “Hi, My name is…” sticker). And we don’t want to be limited by others’ preconceived notions—positive or negative—of our career choices before getting to know us.

So, considering Manhattan is currently alive with the hungry energy of people finally ready to conduct business for the first time in months, I’ve been mentally bracing myself for run-ins with the dreaded question: “What do you do?” It’s the lowest Darwinian filter out there, and it just so happens to reign supreme this time of year.

Here are some popular known translations:

“What can you do for me?”
“Are you a potential customer?”
“Your worth is dependent on your answer, so think carefully before answering.”
“I’m under the misguided impression that what people do for a living says something about who they are as a person.”
(“I actually don’t care who you are as a person, so there.”)
“My sole role in talking to a person is advancing my career.”
“I have nothing better to talk about.”

Of course, not everyone who asks this is guilty as charged. There are a few forgivable translations:

“This is what I think you want me to ask you.”
“This is what I’m supposed to ask people in this type of environment.”
“I’m just breaking the ice before I ask you something that actually matters, which I plan to do next.”
“I’m shy, awkward and/or don’t thrive in social settings”

To be fair, my translations of these translations could mean the following about me:

“I’m building an identity out of bucking this horrible trend.”
“I’m not playing very nice on the conference playground.”
“I have adopted a holier than thou attitude, and am unfairly judging people for relying on pedestrian (yet harmless!) conversation tactics.”
“I take myself too seriously.”

But there are also the forgivable translations:

“I think people have more to offer and sometimes it’s nice to recognize that, independent of time/place.”
“I don’t want to be pigeonholed into a 2D caricature based on my career, and I’m extending you the same courtesy.”
“I may be interested in speaking to you even if you aren’t a prospect, you won’t advance my career somehow, or your job won’t somehow benefit me.”
“I have a hard time taking anything seriously—myself, my career and your job included.”

Okay, so I’m not without my opinions or hyper analyses of the otherwise mundane… But I’m taking one for the team here! I’ve heard so many people say, so many times, that they can’t stand this very question, yet I then hear the Exact. Same. People. posing the Exact. Same. Question. most likely due to a) lacking a better one, b) their perceived social obligations/peer pressure (everyone else is doing it!), or c) the fact that they’ve resigned to it/life as a whole.

So to be clear, it’s not that I refuse to answer this question, that I would ever dream of dismissing someone else—everyone else—for posing it, or that I become blindly disinterested in speaking to those who do; it’s more so that I dream of a world with more thoughtful conversation starters—custom talking points born of a unique mix of circumstances, surroundings, and social instincts. Is that so wrong?

I’m also not saying that we shouldn’t be out there networking. (That wouldn’t be very savvy business advice, now would it?) It’s more so that we shouldn’t dismiss or overlook the importance of meaningful human relationships in the face of making money. The two don’t need to be—and simply shouldn’t be!—mutually exclusive. The bad habit of asking surface questions that don’t get to the root of anything that matters limits the ability to form relationships that do. And there’s no reason that we shouldn’t have good relationships with the people we work with (yet a lot of reasons why we should).

So here’s the challenge, conference goers, networking event attendees, and people who just like to talk about work outside of work in non-work settings: go beyond the job title. Be that guy/gal who stands out in the crowd by quickly tapping into the things that matter. Welcome conversations that unearth peoples’ values, inner thoughts, and interests, and offer them a chance to demonstrate the way they naturally interact with people/the world. Show that your interest transcends your new acquaintance’s ability to make you money. Be genuine.